Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
![]()
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
True.
![]()
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
![]()
![]()
![]()
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*