Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
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Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.