I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December