I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
(yawn)
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..