The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Banana is the quietest snack
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.