Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
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Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.