I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
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TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
what could possibly go wrong?