Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
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Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
❤️🦆
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person