Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.