Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*