In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
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You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”