Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
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Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Always
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*