16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out![]()
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Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.