Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
somebody come look at this
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this