I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
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Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Beware of fowl play.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
felt that
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
set yourself free xox
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?