set yourself free xox
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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Sell your car
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant