HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
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Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.