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I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired