Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*