It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
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Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.