Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
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Eat…
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
6. me as a lawyer
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were