Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
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I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation