Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
He just like my cat fr
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Bed should get ready for ME
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?