AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
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Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
BRO LMFAO
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My dad.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.