How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
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Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.