I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
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therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Cause of death: Zumba
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
the clam before the storm
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals