MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
You Might Also Like
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.