me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
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wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied