English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I can fix him.
Dolls on drugs
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.