Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?