Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
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I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.