Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
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Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
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The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Best spoiler warning ever
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17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
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*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”