I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
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Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
my astrological sign is a french fry
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement