Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
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My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
i made a craigslist ad !
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs