Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”