If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Mornin
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
There’s no “u” in narcissist