I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
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Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I support this random dude and all his protests
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along