The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping