1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.