“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
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Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.