High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
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*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
see you in hell you stupid fruit
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.