see you in hell you stupid fruit
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16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My wedding will be open casket.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.