“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.