Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
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As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.