dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
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found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I鈥檓 glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn鈥檛 want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It鈥檚 a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we鈥檙e done you can just ghost me
if you think you鈥檙e having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
me: [leaning over, whispering] there鈥檚 a giant hole in this plot
him: that鈥檚 where the casket goes
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn鈥檛 work for a week.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
the problem with being 39 is i don鈥檛 feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
i’ve had this nightmare before 馃槺
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I鈥檓 having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000枚
God: haha jk it鈥檚 just me
Caterpillar: oOOO枚
God: SEE YOU鈥橰E DOING IT
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it鈥檚 1995 it鈥檚 the same to me
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.