my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
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Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.