Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
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If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
if itâs fantasy football i see no reason why i canât start a dragon at first base
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, theyâre really saying that theyâd like to speak with the manager.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: IâLL BE FINE
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
they finally got him. they got macavity
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dogâs face, Iâd say we had the same dream.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. đŹ
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
âYour scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.â
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Finally!
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasnât going to get right back in and take a nap