Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
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BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.