Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
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The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken