Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”