Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
You Might Also Like
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
meow
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.