Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.