Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Breaking news:
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down