*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
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BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
2022: I can fix it
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.