HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
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[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My typo game is string.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.