*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

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HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this


[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?


Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*


I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.


This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.


My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.


I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.


customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct


Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.