@reallifemommy3

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

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@dafloydsta

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

@JohnLyonTweets

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

@JediGigi

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

@deathoftheparty

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

@themorris23

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

@notfunnyelle

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

@WheelTod

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators